At 20s men wonder, in their 30s they discover and in their 40s they live. Below is my idiotic list of things that shouldn’t be done in the 30’s. You can’t keep using your father as a prop to get credibility.
I say it’s idiotic because one, it’s my list and two at 30 I should be writing about stuff that is heavier at the bottom (no pun, I swear). One day your father will die, he will choke on a bone or overdose on Cialis and he will die then you will realize that nobody opens doors for a man brandishing a dead name.
You eventually have to crawl from the shadow of the old man and create your own shadow.
The lad watches me like a hawk and I always feel – whenever I talk to him – that he’s a dry sponge and I’m water.
And you would understand why; he’s the only boy in a family of four girls (all older) and apart from his schoolmates, and his father who must be pushing 200yrs, I’m the only man he can relate to.
When I talk to him he normally wears this look on his face, this scary look that implies that he truly believes that I know what I’m talking about. On Saturday as I walked over to open the gate ready to drive out, he walked over with a football tucked under his armpit and said (in verbatim), “It’s okay.
I’ll get that.” He’s 10 and he speaks well, but then again, he attends a decent school. But for now, I always feel that he’s a boy swimming against these turbulent progesterone currents, swimming to the nearest shore of testosterone, which, in his proximity, happens to be me. ” “It means that my sister is going to move out soon and get married? ” I say in my worst Samuel L impressions this year. I tell him and he goes “wooooooo [he likes saying that), you are old! ” I want to tell him that it doesn’t matter much because when it goes right down to the wire, what matters is that we can all pee while standing up. I told her lightly, “I can ask the manager to turn up the volume a notch, would that make it worth your while? ” I choked on my wine and the 31yr old fell off his chair and broke a rib. My word, wasn’t she supposed to be doing her homework?
And I like the kind of kid he’s turning into; eloquent, curious, confident and contained. Or use creams on his face and lip-gloss on his lips. Or make him watch The Wedding Show, or worse, Glee or Gossip Girls. To play my part in this scenario (that could well possibly be only in my head) I always make sure I impart something manly on him; ‘Hey Paul, kick that ball like a man! ” or “Okay Paul, no handkerchiefs in your breast pockets, unless you are a cateress! Anyway, that got me thinking of another story that I will bridge with this Paul story. ” She rolled her eyes and said, “It’s not the volume, silly, it’s just that this place is not .” Then she looked at me more closely and asked, “Kwani how old are you anyway? I stole a furtive look at the 36yr old and he avoided my eyes.
I could adopt him…if there was a chance I would never ever have to pay rent to his father again. ” or “Paul, don’t walk while looking at the ground, like that, who’s eyes are you avoiding? ” (That word just reminded me of high school grab) So anyway, Saturday he opens the gate and I ask why we have tents and chairs in the garden and he says there is a for her elder sister. I was recently at a bar with these two guys, one who is 36yrs and another who is 32yrs. You know you have an archetypal Nairobi face when people keep telling you, “I think I know you from somewhere.” Miss Nairobi Face was OK, only problem was I thought she was too young for the 36yr old. Well, for one her head was bent to her phone half the time she was there, Facebooking or Twitting. ” Obviously not as old as your old man here, I wanted to say, but then it occurred to me that the 36yr old might have lied about his age to her. “But admit it, everybody must look old when you are 22yrs old,” I told her tongue-in-cheek, which was meant to be both a compliment and a reprimand because I gathered she was 24. I wondered what he talks to her about apart from reading her a bedtime story.
Sometimes I realize he seeks me out to create a balance because too much progesterone surrounds him: His mother smoothers him because he’s the last-born and his sisters fuss over him because he’s the only boy. At some point one of the guys – the 36yr old – announces that some tail will be joining us briefly, which sometimes suck because then the conversation always have get all politically correct and shit. Then secondly she kept asking, “So where are you guys going from here? Which made me wonder who was the woman in that “relationship”. Do they talk about how many friends she has on FB now? But then she stood up and I saw her ass and I knew the answer immediately.
” I was tempted to ask, “Why do we have to go elsewhere from here? ” Instead the 32yr old asked, “Nowhere really, why? Instead I told her, “34, two months and chump change.” I said it so proudly you would have heard the National Anthem in the background of that proclamation. Do they discuss how great, sorry, gr8, the last jam session was? Anyway, at some point when Miss Nairobi Face had stepped outside to pick one of her multiple calls I asked the 36 yr old, “So, did you remember to pack diaper change and a feeding bottle?
” He seemed embarrassed, especially when she, at some point, couldn’t stand the “silent and un-happening” bar and insisted that she wanted to go to Sailors Bar (that den full of tramps and killers) because all her friends were there and he had to grin apologetically and follow her out the door as she tagged on the leash tied to his neck.